The 3 Types of Daters: Which are You?
As a matchmaker, I get to see a very unique view into how people approach their dating lives. Having worked with hundreds of people looking for love, I’ve discovered that no matter what, they somehow fall into one of these three categories: Open and Secure, Results-Oriented, or Unmatchable.
The smallest percentage of people fall into the “Open and Secure” category, making up about 5-10% of the population
These are the people who are truly ready to find their match; they are secure in who they are, are willing to be vulnerable, and are genuinely happy with their lives. They’re open to looking beyond the physical to understand how they might connect with someone on a deeper level. They also see every “date” is an opportunity to grow, connect, learn, and are able to fully appreciate and BE in the moment, without judgement or attachment.
As clients, these daters are eager, easy-going, and are equally excited about the idea of finding love as they are about the experience itself. They know that at the end of it all, they will have either met a handful of new friends, had a number of new exciting dates, found their match, or if nothing else, learned more about who they are and what they want in a relationship. It’s a “win-win” mindset.
Signs that you’re an open and secure dater:
You are genuinely excited about meeting new people and having new experiences whether you’re attracted to your date or not
You recognize that you—and only you—get to decide how your experience goes
You would like to have a significant other in your life, but are perfectly content if you don’t
You feel a permanent sense of peace, fulfillment, and joy
You believe every experience has purpose and value
The most common bucket is the “Results-Oriented” category, representing about 50% of today’s daters
These are the daters who are attached to an outcome.
“I’m going on a date to see if they’re ‘the one’ and if I don’t feel a spark, then I’ve wasted my time and money. I’m not really that into him/her and I hope this ends soon so I can go home and Netflix.”
Sound familiar? There’s a good chance you’ve had these thoughts cross your mind because it’s how most people date.
To be fair, it’s how our society has designed ‘the dating game’. Today’s dating world has been more about quantity over quality, which has given rise to the “swiping culture.” Efficiency and immediate gratification has precedence over allowing a person to grow on you or dig a little deeper.
Think about it: how many people do you currently have in your life who you probably wouldn’t have a relationship with (professional, personal or romantic) if you weren’t forced to spend a significant amount of time with them in class, at work, or in a group? You probably wouldn’t have given them the time of day outside that microcosm, so why would you approach your dating life—to find the person you’ll spend the rest of your LIFE with—in the same way?
The results-oriented daters typically have their “Top 3 Priorities” that every match must embody (e.g. must have drive, a good education, and a good job, must be attractive, and they need to be fit) but are willing to be flexible in some areas. They have this idea of Mr. or Mrs. Right in their minds, and while they’re willing to compromise, they aren’t truly willing to “let go” and be completely open to something incredible that’s standing right in front of them. They date with immediate judgement and their priorities and expectations block their ability to fully see the beauty—and capacity for love—that surrounds them.
While this type of dater can find love, the process will not be as enjoyable. They also may settle for someone who’s “good enough” but not great. The irony here is that most people in this category also approach their everyday lives in the same way: “Life is good. It could be better, but it’s good enough and I’m better off than most.” They rationalize away their pain and justify their decisions—in life and love.
Signs that you’re a results-oriented dater:
You decide within the first 5 minutes of a date if it’s worth your time or not
You quickly get irritated or bored if your date doesn’t go as planned
You have a “me first” mentality over an “us” viewpoint
You constantly justify the reasons why you’re single
In past relationships, you have tried to “fix” or “change” your significant other
The last category, representing 40% of today’s daters, is “Unmatchable”
This group has a laundry list of checkboxes to fill, with a large dose of ego.
Ultimately what I’ve learned with this group is that the more checkboxes they have, the more insecure they are. It doesn’t matter WHO I throw at them, they won’t be good enough and they will find some sort of flaw or reason not to consider them. In truth, these excuses are a defense mechanism.
While their conscious minds are telling them they are ready to date, their true inner being knows that there are deeper issues that need to be resolved. Most of the time, these daters have been through traumatic past relationships with emotions that haven’t been completely released.
These daters typically have been very successful in their careers and are used to getting their way. At work, they typically are in a leadership role, but most of their subordinates work for them out of fear rather than respect. They may try to overcompensate in their work life because their personal life isn’t as successful or fulfilling as they’d like. Finally, they typically have also reached a financial threshold where they have deemed themselves as “better than average” and therefore create additional expectations for their matches.
Signs you might be unmatchable:
· You feel like you’re a catch and that dating isn’t worth your time
· You feel that your way is always the “right” way.
· You see the world as black and white, right or wrong, good or bad
· You approach your date with a “what’s wrong” versus a “what’s right” mentality
· You place blame for your love life on others
· You don’t feel like your life is where it’s “supposed” to be
What type of dater are you? What category do you find yourself falling into? Pay attention to the emotions that come up as you answer those questions. Do you find yourself being defensive? Angry? Disheartened? Excited? Vulnerable?
Understanding your reaction to this article can be very telling as to where you’re at with the relationship you have with yourself, and your dating life.
If you find yourself defensive, angry, or irritated, you might want to explore coaching to understand more about why you’re not in love with your life and yourself. Perhaps your energy is best spent on self. Or, if you feel energized and excited, you might be ready for love and could benefit from matchmaking.
Either way, awareness is power and the more you know about yourself, the more conscious you will become as a dater. As a conscious dater, you will have more control of your reactions, have more fun, and have the ability to see your full range of options.
# # #
Curious to know which type of dater you are? Schedule your free relationship consultation to learn what might be getting in your way of love.